I tried to be perfect in the roles i played

it has come to a point where i realised that being perfect has its own flaws too. Life has been stressful, if not too busy. I had a hard time trying to catch up with time, trying to squeeze more things inside the limited time frame to do what i want to do.

in my own state of blissful self, i've neglected the most important part of my life.

Missing out on my family by being too engrossed in work, studies and managing a relationship. These days i've come to realised that i have failed my duty as a daughter to both my mum and dad and as a sister to my brothers.

Daddy assumed that i was busy even though he wanted to seek my advice on some of his doubts regarding his business. He turned to my brother who, didnt helped him much. Daddy has been fetching me to work of late due to the heavy rain and fetching me home from school. Mummy has been waiting at home, eagerly waiting for me to end her day with a smile. But all i did when i got home was to sit infront of my pc, doing my work. ignoring her need to be entertained. ignoring the fact that she needed someone to share her life with. And she has been the nicest mum on earth. Wash my clothes for me, cooked nice food, brewed me ginseng tea in the period of tiredness, etc.

today's disappointment was a wake up call for me. On how much i've neglected the family who stood by me, encouraging me when i'm faced with setbacks or hardships. My youngest brother's results astonishes me. I just realised i havent been paying much attention to him lately. The drastic fall in his results made me brood the whole day.

what have i done as a sister?

Now, i'm not going to bury myself in work and school. I'm going to devise a study plan for him I'm going to, i hope, a tutor in his growing up years. I dont want to see my shadow again. I hate to see wasted youth. Now, i couldnt tolerate mistakes anymore. For i told him, i'm not going to take the sentence, "it's damn difficult you know?" anymore.

How can you learn when you've already set a mental block in your mind?

enough said.

sometimes, i just craved for a time for myself. to be alone again.

=(

hi all,

sorry to keep u all worrying about me. =(

even though i noe i am quite lucky in life. but it really puts me down when my face suffers from a breakout, my weight gain, my horrible mood swings. Sometimes i couldnt really talk. I feel like i'm choked on the words i want to say. More often than not, he suffers the brunt of it all. I know he has been very patient and understanding towards me.

I saw a forever frens bear card on a window display and pointed out the words i wanted to tell him. In the card, it contains 3 sentences:

Hi, It's me.
Love you.
That's it.

Then, when i looked into the mirror, i became depressed again. why couldnt i have the complexion a few years ago? why did this shite happens to me? why cant i have my confidence back? why?

when the images of the past came crawling back to the back of my brain, i couldnt help but feel such an immense hate for him. my past. Why did i become like this? for the endless nights of nightmares, the pain i've tried to inflict on myself to numb the hurt i've felt in my heart, the days of insomnia and gastric that were caused by me, havent it all been enough?

for the 2 years i've tried to cope and am now successfully back on the track, why did my hormones swing again?????

cant the pursuit of beauty be endless and perfect?

Even though he tried to reassure me but i couldnt face it. I hate all these damn things. i hate it!!

if i didnt meet qs, wouldnt i be happily studying full time now? why would i pay money to cope with lonliness, to be able to sleep at night with extreme tiredness? now i realise i'm trying hard to run after time. the lack of time, the lack of rest is driving me to a corner. i really wish that i can have a proper life after my degree.

wished for a holiday. =(

My sudden outbursts

these days, i dont know what is really going through my mind. For the sudden outbursts of emotions which i couldnt control, i find myself leashing it all out on him. Then, when i'm alone i felt so tiny again.

When was the last time i did that? To cause hurt with my words, to have not my temper tamed? That was more than 2 years ago right?

Why am i repeating the same mistake again? Each time, i find myself trying hard to control but to no avail. He's always so gentle, so kind, so understanding towards me. Even when he's in a much stressful state that i'm in. Each time i couldnt control my emotions, i feel like driving him away. So that he wouldnt have to bear with the brunt of my words, bear with the hurt i'm going to give, bear with my sudden outbursts that i couldnt control.....

I didnt want to hurt anybody anymore.

My hormonal change was so drastic that my hair has been dropping in clumps. And the sudden weight gain has driven me crazy and depressed. The lack of time has caused me to shoulder the stress with school work which i am seriously lagging behind. I'm not as smart as i used to be, right?

if career gets too much into me,
if i become too goal oriented,
if i walk too fast,

would he still be there for me?

for the me that i'm going to forget who i was the day before?
for the me who will, if.., i found out that i couldnt love him anymore?

would i be a murderer of someone's dreams again?

I love him but i didnt want to see him hurt. I dont want to see who i was 2 years ago. I dont want to see him shouldering the pressure of maintaining this relationship that one day, a girl better than me, would replace me in his heart.

sometimes, i just think i'd be better off alone.

i miss him. and i know i love him.

But can i juggle between sch, work, family and him?

that i'm afraid.

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the 1st poem a man wrote in my life,

Another lovely day with u,
fills my memory with joy,
till old shall we be,
together and forever my love

-TS 11/08/07

to chose or not , it is no longer a choice

Apparently when He(Brian) come back , it suddenly dawn on me how much i din miss him or anything . I wonder why he always like this .... asking me out when he returned .

It is so amazing , I don't feel for him , i don't regret breaking up with him .

I am glad to be with leonard cos he give me this amazing gift which is called "love".

Yup , I hope n pray to god I dun have to meet brian on the street or whatever . Call it avoid cos I just want nothing to do with him ever again. apparently , if i will to meet him , i would wanan to return those gifts he sent me . I haven't even look or touched them .

How cold can i be , how heartless ? Cos I always feel that once break-up , it is the end of two destiny cos why din u think when in a relationship , this person never cherish u ......... till now regret .

jia you i hope leo will give me MORE TIME....probably work n studies is taking a toll on him . ...

reis