All of a sudden, i felt so empty and there's absolutely no reason for me to continuing flying here with Qatar Aiways. Why is it making my life meangingless to work for? Isnt it meant to be fun and enjoyable to be in the aviation industry. I've been in Doha for more than a week, doing nothing. Other than cooking and baking, i'm not doing any other things at all. When everyone is going and coming back from flight, i'm only here doing such silly things wasting my time.
Sometimes i really ponder if there's a purpose or reasons in staying here in this place where i got nothing to achieve and aim in my career. My goodness!!!
Whatever i hear and know from others before coming here... its totally different. WEll, u will never know what u will get unless u experience it on your own. Come on, this is life... I've been trying really really hard to motivate and push myself to move on in doha. However, recently too many things happened all at the same time. 1st of all, something really bad happen to a batchmate of mine and now... seeing this kind of roster every single month without any european sectors for the past few months. It really make me pointless to stay on here. The only reason for me to stay here... is being with him. I don't know how life will be if i were to leave here and what about him? I feel so lost and empty... It feels as though i have nothing in life and no aim nor goal.
Where are those things i've been looking forward to in life? Somehow, it's just gone and no longer there... How can i make things better and being much more positive and stay on here? Or should i really give a serious thought about leaving here and go back spore for good? What should i do? There isnt much happiness here in Doha as compared to the life i have back in spore... If anyone around me have this thought of coming here in doha... and join this airline, i'll suggest them not to come here and live in this kind of emptiness!
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Sunday, June 24, 2007
It was never meant to be...
Last night marked the ending of a 2 month old relationship. god damn, i felt like i've committed an unpardonable sin. For the heart that i robbed off, i was unable to give out mine in return.
no matter how sorry i am, i were not able to lessen the impact and the huge blow to the already fragile heart. Talk about trying again doesnt makes it sound convinced. Now, why am i such a failure in relationship? I've never imagined myself to do that, I've never imagined myself playing him out. It wasnt my intention to hurt anyone around me. Yet, besides yyp, some were hurt.
why does god let them fall for me? when my heart's already robbed and reduced to ashes and blown away to a faraway place? Why did god send me a saint to be ruined by me, the murderer of someone's hopes and dreams?
I cannot see any future with the man that i cannot have feelings for. It took me more than 2 months to realise it isnt love. It was gratitude and the touch factor that i got embroiled in a relationship with my heart not beating and not telling me what to do.
I know it isnt love when i walked home alone asking myself the same questions over and over again. Yet i hesitate to let it be known between us because i was so afraid to see my shadow in him again. I understand how he feels right now coz i've been in his shoes. However, i'm now the one doing this to him.
cuzzie asked whether there's another one in my mind right now? I dont know. I seriously do not. I wished to be left alone. Walking my path alone so that i can clean the sins i've created, the havocs i've created in their lives. my former boss was hurt when i decided to leave the company. Even though i fiercely denied that he likes me, it was a fact that i tried to cover it.
After i left the company, he was very quiet. Not speaking anything to anyone else about his day. When the secretary in the company tried to introduce girls to him, he once told her that he had somebody in mind. When further questioned why he doesnt make it known to the girl, he said some things can never be said. And that the age difference was too great.
god, what have i done?
when i slowly come to terms with being myself, they fall for a smile that could never fill the emptiness in their hearts. how can i be so evil???...
how can i commit to one when my heart says it's not the one for me? why should i accept someone based on his merits and not what my heart tells me to?
i'm sorry. I'm really sorry. But i guess a ten thousand sorry arent enough to heal a broken heart right now. He deserved someone better.
i hate myself.
going to KL for a week to do project soon. Perhaps i'm destined to live a life of career and remain devoted to my family. =(
cant i afford to love again? or am i what my mum says, a cold blooded creature?
*remorseful*
no matter how sorry i am, i were not able to lessen the impact and the huge blow to the already fragile heart. Talk about trying again doesnt makes it sound convinced. Now, why am i such a failure in relationship? I've never imagined myself to do that, I've never imagined myself playing him out. It wasnt my intention to hurt anyone around me. Yet, besides yyp, some were hurt.
why does god let them fall for me? when my heart's already robbed and reduced to ashes and blown away to a faraway place? Why did god send me a saint to be ruined by me, the murderer of someone's hopes and dreams?
I cannot see any future with the man that i cannot have feelings for. It took me more than 2 months to realise it isnt love. It was gratitude and the touch factor that i got embroiled in a relationship with my heart not beating and not telling me what to do.
I know it isnt love when i walked home alone asking myself the same questions over and over again. Yet i hesitate to let it be known between us because i was so afraid to see my shadow in him again. I understand how he feels right now coz i've been in his shoes. However, i'm now the one doing this to him.
cuzzie asked whether there's another one in my mind right now? I dont know. I seriously do not. I wished to be left alone. Walking my path alone so that i can clean the sins i've created, the havocs i've created in their lives. my former boss was hurt when i decided to leave the company. Even though i fiercely denied that he likes me, it was a fact that i tried to cover it.
After i left the company, he was very quiet. Not speaking anything to anyone else about his day. When the secretary in the company tried to introduce girls to him, he once told her that he had somebody in mind. When further questioned why he doesnt make it known to the girl, he said some things can never be said. And that the age difference was too great.
god, what have i done?
when i slowly come to terms with being myself, they fall for a smile that could never fill the emptiness in their hearts. how can i be so evil???...
how can i commit to one when my heart says it's not the one for me? why should i accept someone based on his merits and not what my heart tells me to?
i'm sorry. I'm really sorry. But i guess a ten thousand sorry arent enough to heal a broken heart right now. He deserved someone better.
i hate myself.
going to KL for a week to do project soon. Perhaps i'm destined to live a life of career and remain devoted to my family. =(
cant i afford to love again? or am i what my mum says, a cold blooded creature?
*remorseful*
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