夭折的愛情

我曾經這樣跟自己說：
當你失戀的時候，地球上至少有千千百百的人跟你一樣，也在失戀。
當你重又變成孤單一個人，在寂寞的長夜裡苦苦思念著那個不再愛你的人，這個世界上也有許多人像你，在同一個夜裡，流著淚，被思念折磨。
人為什麼會失戀？

當一個胚胎在母親的身體裡夭折，沒有機會出生，是因為那個胚胎不夠完美，也不夠強壯。
大自然一再證明達爾文的《進化論》，物競天擇，適者生存。
我們也是大自然的一部分。
你失戀，不是因為你不好，不是因為你長得不可愛，人不夠聰明，也不是你做錯了什麼。我們見過很多伴侶，互相撕咬，既愛且恨，也還是地久天長。
這段愛情早夭，是因為它不完美，沒法茁壯,它只能夠離開你的人生。
這是天擇的結果。
一天，當你回首，你會發現，所有你愛過卻沒能長相廝守的男孩和女孩，所有曾經甜蜜，後來卻流產的愛情，對你來說都是不完美的。
直到一天，當你遇到一個人，不管你有再多的缺點，他還是愛你，無論他有多麼可恨，你終究愛著他。縱使你們都曾被對方傷得傷痕累累，也還是沒能分開。
你終於明白，你們是彼此的宿主。
愛競天擇 ，適者生存。
早夭的，只是證明，他不是你的天長地久。那麼，可不可以流一把眼淚，醉了一雙淚眼，跟自己說：
是大自然替你做了這個必然的抉擇。
他其實不適合你，只是你現在還不明白，也不願意承認。

happie lil~ girl

A grumpy me at first. fat! i'm fat le! :'(
haha. bah!

Just for fun. Just for laughter.

I'm going to taipei and tainan soon! after my exams! so excited! i miss u girls! i miss my sanyo colleagues! i miss alot alot of ppl! cant wait for exams to be over. girls, wish me luck! pray for me! hehe. take care wor!

Frustrations!

Gals, i can't imagine how the level of frustrations went up till so high... it must have pissed me off to the limit where i can't take anymore nonsense.

Remember i told u gals b4 that this isnt e first time i'm dating him. In the past, his character, behaviour and everything abt him till date didn't change at all. The only one thing abt him that i can't deny is that i know he is true abt mi. Other than this stupid point... he makes me maddening! Since the day i started back with him, i knew he is one that don't have savings at all and every end of the mth the bank is left is Zero credit. Amazing isnt it? Someone who has been working for almost 2 yrs doesnt have a single cent of savings in his account. It's still alright... but someone who doesnt have savings, sld have an idea of how much he has and then think b4 he spend every single cent. I got reli frustrated day by day...

EG: His frens asked him out for dinner and he asked me: Lady Boss, do u wan to go for dinner? I knew he dont have money so i suggested having dinner hm instead of hm since the mum cooked. But, looking at his behaviour... doesnt even bother him at all. Told me, just eat a little and later go out and eat. FuXK! I was wondering at that moment... do i look like one big vegetables growing on the top of my head. I knew this is going to happen... guess what? When we reach the restaurant at Cine, the link shop of Billy bombers... The price was definitely more ex than hawkers la. In the end, when the bill comes... guess what he told me? I dont have enough cash with me. Such a bastard isnt it? U knew ur going to a restaurant to meet ur frens and if u knew u dont have enough cash, why do u wan to go then? Obviously, he knew i have the cash.

Just one thing to clarify, I'm the one that paid my previous airline a 5K bond and i've not been working for 2 mths here. Why am i paying instead of him? He have been squeezing out of me pretty lot as compared to when im single and alone. No other man did such a thing to me! Even at times when we go out to town or, for lunch or dinner.. he got the cheek to bring only $10 in his wallet and then... u can tink wats the next move isnt it? I got so scared of having a meal with him out bcos i can forsee that i'm the one paying and ultimately, at the end of the mth... he will come telling me his pathetic bank account... and he don't have money to eat for the rest of the mth till pay day. Im sick of it! So, i asked... what u expect me to do? IF u wan, i can loan me... but u need to return me. Alright, so i loaned him... and the moment he have money, whatever things he want to eat... he just buy without comparing at the prices. I still remember those times where im poor during sch days. I had to look and compare at the prices b4 i buy my food but why this man doesnt think or plan ahead of his life. How am i suppose to live with this kind of man who doesn't feel ashamed of spending the ger's money? *Pissed*

Rather, don't mention abt the vietnam trip bcos it makes me much more pissed and angry! This man is making me like a fool! I told him that sgd200 isnt enough for him alone. Even when my mum went there, she spend almost 200. How can we beat my mum? I was pretty sure that his money will not be sufficient and i suggested him bringing another 50 but he told me firmly, wouldnt! Bcos he will not spend much and he dont wan to buy anything! But when we're there... just the first day itself... he bought things that are not necessary at all. He bought a sunglasses and a cap that he already have back in spore but just bcos he didnt remember to bring it along, he bought it! To me, it was freaking expEnsive to buy a sunglass that cost more than 20. It was a fake one and how gd can it be? I can easily fetch myself one that cost lesser than this in town. But why, this person doesnt tink ahead? Or did he knew i have money with me and thats why? I feel like a fool!!! Maddening! Although money is something we can't measure in a r/s but tell me,

~~ am i wrong to feel this way? It sldnt be this way, isnt it? I've not been working and why this man got the cheek to spend mine?

~~ Thats why thats the end of it. No more nonsense!!! Stop asking for a chance and asking me to give u time. I'm so sick of this words. Guess when the time reli comes, i'll be the one who is broke bcos he have been spending mine and dats why he's able to save. Stupid! A person who is always looking forward to the bonus and tinking that when the bonus comes, he can do this and that. WEll, how many times can u have ur bonus in a yr? Why doesnt this person save a single cent? I dare to say... v loudly! He didnt spend a single cent on me... afterall, i'm the one spending ma. I ANGRY!!!

welcome back cat!

phew...

finally a post from cat!

cheer up cat! the bad will soon be over! =D

take care peiwei and mouse!

mouse jia you!!! u can do it! dont forget to eat more fruits!

peiwei shld be coming back soon. HOORAY!!

=D

-life is too fragile. Would you want to wake up one day to regret what you have not done for your dearest?-

-Love is like an estacy that can lift you up to the highest height and when the effect is gone, the world feels dark again.-

mY apologies

Gals... im reli sorry... I've been out of actions recently bcos of some big hoha issue that happen to me. I dont know whether this is karma or is it something that i've put my trust on the wrong man...

Life is just full of surprises awaiting for us... each and everyone. Right? Well, i'm reli sorry to disappear just like that after coming back spore bcos my mood was reli in the bottom of the pit where i can't get out. Just wanna hide in the hole and be alone... now im feeling much better le.

PS: OOpss... mousey; i reli dont mean to forget our date wor. sincerely apologize to u... sorry ya? So, let's find some day next wk to meet up? say on the 19th/ 20th? or u will prefer it on a wkend? Sun? Let me know ...

Lp: Guess u have been v busy with work, school stuff... take care wor and dont forget to take ur meals regularly k?

PW: Hows the vacation trip? Must be enjoying urself and having lots of fun there right? Dont forget our presents ya? Hope to catch up with u gals soon...

See u... miss u! :) Will update u when i see u gals... tata!

dun feel despair ...

hi gals ,

I know things has not been easy for all of us . Do stay happy okie !
ha ha , jia you !!!

hmm latest update

miss peiwei gonna to go taiwan for a week on 15 sept 07 , will be back in a week time
( let's anticpate some nice snacks from her ba !!!)

About me ,

it hasn;t been easy now . Every monday I really dread the deadline looming , my weekly project submission already come . Yes , I know I wasn'y good at doing projects , I am a study nerd through and through . My good grade did not come from those projects i do but those memory that helps me .

These days has been tiring and scary . sleeping in the early morning had become a routine , i think i look drastic , and I din updated myself on dressing . I feel so .... shit .
I really hope god can play magic to take away those project misery ........

- wil2 grp project due next mon
- gm ppt on fri
- Eg indivdual project
- GM project
- SO project

et c...........neverending .......................

kill me !

mouse

I tried to be perfect in the roles i played

it has come to a point where i realised that being perfect has its own flaws too. Life has been stressful, if not too busy. I had a hard time trying to catch up with time, trying to squeeze more things inside the limited time frame to do what i want to do.

in my own state of blissful self, i've neglected the most important part of my life.

Missing out on my family by being too engrossed in work, studies and managing a relationship. These days i've come to realised that i have failed my duty as a daughter to both my mum and dad and as a sister to my brothers.

Daddy assumed that i was busy even though he wanted to seek my advice on some of his doubts regarding his business. He turned to my brother who, didnt helped him much. Daddy has been fetching me to work of late due to the heavy rain and fetching me home from school. Mummy has been waiting at home, eagerly waiting for me to end her day with a smile. But all i did when i got home was to sit infront of my pc, doing my work. ignoring her need to be entertained. ignoring the fact that she needed someone to share her life with. And she has been the nicest mum on earth. Wash my clothes for me, cooked nice food, brewed me ginseng tea in the period of tiredness, etc.

today's disappointment was a wake up call for me. On how much i've neglected the family who stood by me, encouraging me when i'm faced with setbacks or hardships. My youngest brother's results astonishes me. I just realised i havent been paying much attention to him lately. The drastic fall in his results made me brood the whole day.

what have i done as a sister?

Now, i'm not going to bury myself in work and school. I'm going to devise a study plan for him I'm going to, i hope, a tutor in his growing up years. I dont want to see my shadow again. I hate to see wasted youth. Now, i couldnt tolerate mistakes anymore. For i told him, i'm not going to take the sentence, "it's damn difficult you know?" anymore.

How can you learn when you've already set a mental block in your mind?

enough said.

sometimes, i just craved for a time for myself. to be alone again.

=(

hi all,

sorry to keep u all worrying about me. =(

even though i noe i am quite lucky in life. but it really puts me down when my face suffers from a breakout, my weight gain, my horrible mood swings. Sometimes i couldnt really talk. I feel like i'm choked on the words i want to say. More often than not, he suffers the brunt of it all. I know he has been very patient and understanding towards me.

I saw a forever frens bear card on a window display and pointed out the words i wanted to tell him. In the card, it contains 3 sentences:

Hi, It's me.
Love you.
That's it.

Then, when i looked into the mirror, i became depressed again. why couldnt i have the complexion a few years ago? why did this shite happens to me? why cant i have my confidence back? why?

when the images of the past came crawling back to the back of my brain, i couldnt help but feel such an immense hate for him. my past. Why did i become like this? for the endless nights of nightmares, the pain i've tried to inflict on myself to numb the hurt i've felt in my heart, the days of insomnia and gastric that were caused by me, havent it all been enough?

for the 2 years i've tried to cope and am now successfully back on the track, why did my hormones swing again?????

cant the pursuit of beauty be endless and perfect?

Even though he tried to reassure me but i couldnt face it. I hate all these damn things. i hate it!!

if i didnt meet qs, wouldnt i be happily studying full time now? why would i pay money to cope with lonliness, to be able to sleep at night with extreme tiredness? now i realise i'm trying hard to run after time. the lack of time, the lack of rest is driving me to a corner. i really wish that i can have a proper life after my degree.

wished for a holiday. =(

My sudden outbursts

these days, i dont know what is really going through my mind. For the sudden outbursts of emotions which i couldnt control, i find myself leashing it all out on him. Then, when i'm alone i felt so tiny again.

When was the last time i did that? To cause hurt with my words, to have not my temper tamed? That was more than 2 years ago right?

Why am i repeating the same mistake again? Each time, i find myself trying hard to control but to no avail. He's always so gentle, so kind, so understanding towards me. Even when he's in a much stressful state that i'm in. Each time i couldnt control my emotions, i feel like driving him away. So that he wouldnt have to bear with the brunt of my words, bear with the hurt i'm going to give, bear with my sudden outbursts that i couldnt control.....

I didnt want to hurt anybody anymore.

My hormonal change was so drastic that my hair has been dropping in clumps. And the sudden weight gain has driven me crazy and depressed. The lack of time has caused me to shoulder the stress with school work which i am seriously lagging behind. I'm not as smart as i used to be, right?

if career gets too much into me,
if i become too goal oriented,
if i walk too fast,

would he still be there for me?

for the me that i'm going to forget who i was the day before?
for the me who will, if.., i found out that i couldnt love him anymore?

would i be a murderer of someone's dreams again?

I love him but i didnt want to see him hurt. I dont want to see who i was 2 years ago. I dont want to see him shouldering the pressure of maintaining this relationship that one day, a girl better than me, would replace me in his heart.

sometimes, i just think i'd be better off alone.

i miss him. and i know i love him.

But can i juggle between sch, work, family and him?

that i'm afraid.

-----------------------------------------------------------
the 1st poem a man wrote in my life,

Another lovely day with u,
fills my memory with joy,
till old shall we be,
together and forever my love

-TS 11/08/07

to chose or not , it is no longer a choice

Apparently when He(Brian) come back , it suddenly dawn on me how much i din miss him or anything . I wonder why he always like this .... asking me out when he returned .

It is so amazing , I don't feel for him , i don't regret breaking up with him .

I am glad to be with leonard cos he give me this amazing gift which is called "love".

Yup , I hope n pray to god I dun have to meet brian on the street or whatever . Call it avoid cos I just want nothing to do with him ever again. apparently , if i will to meet him , i would wanan to return those gifts he sent me . I haven't even look or touched them .

How cold can i be , how heartless ? Cos I always feel that once break-up , it is the end of two destiny cos why din u think when in a relationship , this person never cherish u ......... till now regret .

jia you i hope leo will give me MORE TIME....probably work n studies is taking a toll on him . ...

reis

time reveals a man character

time reveals a man's character and i firmly believe it.

after the breakup, yyp wasnt exactly nice to me like what we used to when we were still friends. In his words, i found sacarsm and hate. I felt like he was trying to make me feel that i'm the loser in my life without him.

His words contained discouragement and mockery. wth..

cuzzie says i shouldnt judge because i wasnt him.

fine. that's nt the point.

but how can a guy be such a sore loser after the breakup?

and... i really really cannot stand guys who whined and complained abt little things in life and sounds so pathetic you know?

everyday, his conversation would start with grumblings. tell you, i'm not the girl who would listen to whinings from guys!!!

and i hate xiao nan ren!! *ar bish!*

anyway, it's OK!

life's still beautiful after waking up from a dream. i am happily attached and contented with the way life turns out to be. i dont give a damn to ppl who discourages me. *pui!*

life shld be an experience worth of trying.

^-^ am a happy ping!

mENS

1. Men are NOT mind readers

1. Learn to work the toilet seat

You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down
We need it up, you need it down
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides. Let it be

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no
we are never going to think of it that way

1. Crying is blackmail

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear> >>in this one: Subtle hints do not work!> >>Strong hints do not work! Obvious> >>hints do not work! Just say it

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's > >>what we do.Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In > >>fact,> >>all comments become null and void> >>after 7 days

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us > >>to act> >>like soap opera guys.> >>> >>1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.> >>Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways > >>makes you> >>sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something> >>Or tell us how you want it done. Not both.> >>If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.> >>> >>1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during > >>commercials.> >>> >>1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, > >>for> >>example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is> >>also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.> >>> >>1. If it itches, it will be scratched.> >>We do that.> >>> >>1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like > >>nothing's wrong.> >>We know you are lying, but it is just not> >>worth the hassle.> >>> >>

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you > >>don't want to hear.> >>> >>1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is > >>fine...Really.> >>> >>

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to > >>discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,> >>or golf.> >>> >>1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape

Thank you for reading this.> >>Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch> >>tonight; But did you know men really don't> >>mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -to give them a laugh.Pass this to as many women as you can -> >> to give them a bigger laugh

He's more than i can ask for

these days it has been a period of happiness and self-created doubts. perhaps it was the experience of pure bliss or the doubts cast by the close ones around me that i didnt want to believe that it was a dream.

just a dream. Nightmares were no longer prevalent in my life and i didnt wish for it to happen again.

the trip to the zoo was by far the most happiest time in my life. We acted silly together, was under the scorching sun, shared our water together, etc etc. Even though he was more sensitive to heat and light than i was, he still stop by a while to ask if i'm still ok and if i'm too tired to carry on walking. Mouse's right when she said that if you love a person, even the simplest stuff he does will make you feel contented and happy. I was contented by just walking beside him.

I'd dare say he's the nicest man that ever treated me when i compared among the past. For now, i'd say he's the greatest man i've met.

to describe him, it takes more than words to put it across.

he's the man who:
1. puts in effort to make me laugh
2. wished upon the wishing well to bless me of happiness
3. surprises me in a little way by remembering all the things that i've told him (He bought me my fav biscuits so that i wont starve myself when i worked overtime.)
4. He clears up my mess and cover up for me during my work. ( i accidentally erased all the pics we took when we were in the zoo. He slept late for 3 consecutive days to find some softwares just to recover back our pictures which he succeeded it today.)
5. He calls me when he thinks of me. (yyp doesnt call nor sms me often.)
6. Even when he;s tired, he doesnt complain. There was once when i slept very soundly on his shoulder and... his shoulder aches so much! yet i found it out after i hit him on his arm. =x)
7. He takes care of his colleague by buying food for them.
8. He helps the cleaner auntie to empty the heavy dustbins and offered food to her.
9. He makes an effort to be there for me and send me off to sleep when i am tired. (yyp wont! will keep talking to me till i ask him to stop!)
10. He carries my laptop bag for me even when i insisted on carrying it myself. (YYP would allow me to take my own laptop!!)
11. He carries all my stuff when i go out with him. My heavy water bottle, etc.
12. He bought breakfast for my family.
13. He will cook for me!! (oops, i mean willing to learn how to cook my fav dish)
14. He takes good care of elderly! and open the car door for me all the time.
15. He protects me from getting hurt. (for my in-born clumsiness)

For everything that he is, there's alot more reason why i love him.

In time to come, i hope i wont have to be hurt anymore or my feelings be swayed again.

For now,

I'm happy. really.

love can be so selfish and overwhelming at times...

And i'm really sorry for making a mistake that would have caused such a great blow to yyp. The past will soon be over. Life's a new journey again. =)

Road of faith in R/S

Finally... after some struggles within myself, i told myself to trust and have faith in this man and in this relationship too.

Afterall, i tink the most basic and fundamental essence in a relationship is trust and faith. Don't u agree with me too? I chose the way and path to trust him and disregard whatever what others say to me... This issue has made another advancement to our r/s too... Bcos of this, it brings us closer and have faith, trust and confidence in each other.
Gals... Thanks for ur jiayou and support!!! Although I'm @ the other part of the world with these arab people who are so disgusting... i reli feel the care and support from u. I feel thankful that i've such lovely frens... hehe! Love u all so much... muacks!

~~Catch up with u gals when i get back in Spore!!! It'S Goona reli soon... reli soon!!! Wait for me... dont miss me out in KTV and shopping session!!! (",) Miss u...

The goodness in him that I failed to realised ...

School started with a really hectic schedule that really caught me off-guard . I know I shouldnt be complaining when there are ppl who are working and studying . I finally understand how tough night class can be . I had it for the past few days the next morning we still had our lesson . This is really taxing on me .

I really blame myself for not having a proper rest and off i went for class immediately after the last day of my work on tuesday . Tiredness had snowballed on me . I feel so exhausted and I haven't started preparing my assignments for coming next week. Today i am going to

plan my exercise schedule
prepare for my interview assignment
read up newspaper
search for my textbooks
scan the dc project cover
self study japanese ok

apparently , He was very thoughtful for coming to fetch me on my night class . I was really grateful to him for even getting me fried rice for supper. I haven got my dinner and I feel really hungry even though there are refreshments . I wonder why i failed to see the goodness in him. Probably , after that major arguements we had last last week . We kind of feel better letting out those negative elements out .

ok , sat was a great day . I was grateful that I only had half a day lesson of that wil2. Enough !!!
Finally get to see my gfs ... but however i was down with a stupid cramps that kill our shopping spirit . Sorry ! I really wanna to enjoy the outing with you girls. I miss seeing liping and peiwei . lp bring us to a japanese restaurant that serve good cold ramen . hee ,it was nice and the taste lingered in my mouth . The char siew ramen i ordered was great too except i would say " chef , where is my fish cake ?" haha . the soup base is good and the char siew not very fat plus QQ noodle. hee , if not for my cramps , i guess i would have an enjoyable meal.

Next we proceed to go for our shopping activities but failed to get anything . Hopefully next time outing will be better !! Finally saw mr. glenn lim (lp's new bf) and I felt that he look mature for his age . How to say le ? He look ok , but probably we din talk so i dunno how to judge .

after sending lp to his bf's arms , we went home . He was really nice , offering me a ride home and then we went to get our pasta ingredients . I had a sick and tiring day though . We proceed to cook our pasta together but there was some funny incidents . I was supposed totake care of the pasta . He, would do the cooking for the minced beef. It turned out I had set a timing 11min , then i realised the clock hand is not moving . when he asked me is the pasta ready , i told him , just now i put in is at 6pm , now it is still 6pm . Then we both laughed when we realised the clock spoilt . Luckily , we managed to save the pasta . It was a lazy night when all his family are out watchin transformers , we just laze cozily on the couch and have tea .

I finally realised that sometime when we are blaming the bad point of our partners , we should reflect about those good memories before we make any judgement .

ganbatte !!

Never had a dream come true

was happy.

at last. I declared myself a warm blooded creature again.

never did i realise myself to wait for someone's smses, someone's calls. It has been long isnt it? To feel what it was like to be in love and to love someone again. Yesterday was the best moment in my life. Both of us caught a movie, ate ice-creams and sushi tei (which we enjoyed our food very much!), sat in cable cars and watched the songs by the sea in sentosa.

enthralled. mesmerised by the songs by the sea. woo.. laser + music performance. Till then, i know what romance was. THAT WAS SUPER NICE! oops. pardon my sudden outbursts.

anway, on the way back to harbour front, sitting in the cable car watching the night view and the moon, i was rather afraid to look down. It's just a phobia since young that i dread the black sea at night. he, who is very irritating during the ride, trying to scare the hell out of me.... held my hands to calm my nerves.

nope, we werent together yet. not yet anyway.

this time, my heart says go ahead. perhaps it's true this time coz i keep sending the pics to a couples of closest frens! Like i'm on top of the world like that. =O

girls, i'm so happy! really happy and glad that i finally can love someone...

lalalala~~

i'm a pisces afterall! ^-^V

enjoy the pics!

abit blur though....

Emptiness in me...

All of a sudden, i felt so empty and there's absolutely no reason for me to continuing flying here with Qatar Aiways. Why is it making my life meangingless to work for? Isnt it meant to be fun and enjoyable to be in the aviation industry. I've been in Doha for more than a week, doing nothing. Other than cooking and baking, i'm not doing any other things at all. When everyone is going and coming back from flight, i'm only here doing such silly things wasting my time.

Sometimes i really ponder if there's a purpose or reasons in staying here in this place where i got nothing to achieve and aim in my career. My goodness!!!

Whatever i hear and know from others before coming here... its totally different. WEll, u will never know what u will get unless u experience it on your own. Come on, this is life... I've been trying really really hard to motivate and push myself to move on in doha. However, recently too many things happened all at the same time. 1st of all, something really bad happen to a batchmate of mine and now... seeing this kind of roster every single month without any european sectors for the past few months. It really make me pointless to stay on here. The only reason for me to stay here... is being with him. I don't know how life will be if i were to leave here and what about him? I feel so lost and empty... It feels as though i have nothing in life and no aim nor goal.

Where are those things i've been looking forward to in life? Somehow, it's just gone and no longer there... How can i make things better and being much more positive and stay on here? Or should i really give a serious thought about leaving here and go back spore for good? What should i do? There isnt much happiness here in Doha as compared to the life i have back in spore... If anyone around me have this thought of coming here in doha... and join this airline, i'll suggest them not to come here and live in this kind of emptiness!

It was never meant to be...

Last night marked the ending of a 2 month old relationship. god damn, i felt like i've committed an unpardonable sin. For the heart that i robbed off, i was unable to give out mine in return.

no matter how sorry i am, i were not able to lessen the impact and the huge blow to the already fragile heart. Talk about trying again doesnt makes it sound convinced. Now, why am i such a failure in relationship? I've never imagined myself to do that, I've never imagined myself playing him out. It wasnt my intention to hurt anyone around me. Yet, besides yyp, some were hurt.

why does god let them fall for me? when my heart's already robbed and reduced to ashes and blown away to a faraway place? Why did god send me a saint to be ruined by me, the murderer of someone's hopes and dreams?

I cannot see any future with the man that i cannot have feelings for. It took me more than 2 months to realise it isnt love. It was gratitude and the touch factor that i got embroiled in a relationship with my heart not beating and not telling me what to do.

I know it isnt love when i walked home alone asking myself the same questions over and over again. Yet i hesitate to let it be known between us because i was so afraid to see my shadow in him again. I understand how he feels right now coz i've been in his shoes. However, i'm now the one doing this to him.

cuzzie asked whether there's another one in my mind right now? I dont know. I seriously do not. I wished to be left alone. Walking my path alone so that i can clean the sins i've created, the havocs i've created in their lives. my former boss was hurt when i decided to leave the company. Even though i fiercely denied that he likes me, it was a fact that i tried to cover it.

After i left the company, he was very quiet. Not speaking anything to anyone else about his day. When the secretary in the company tried to introduce girls to him, he once told her that he had somebody in mind. When further questioned why he doesnt make it known to the girl, he said some things can never be said. And that the age difference was too great.

god, what have i done?

when i slowly come to terms with being myself, they fall for a smile that could never fill the emptiness in their hearts. how can i be so evil???...

how can i commit to one when my heart says it's not the one for me? why should i accept someone based on his merits and not what my heart tells me to?

i'm sorry. I'm really sorry. But i guess a ten thousand sorry arent enough to heal a broken heart right now. He deserved someone better.

i hate myself.

going to KL for a week to do project soon. Perhaps i'm destined to live a life of career and remain devoted to my family. =(

cant i afford to love again? or am i what my mum says, a cold blooded creature?

*remorseful*

relationship blues

Relationship ?

sometime , it is not whether being together you would be happy , it is not arguement .

sometime , it is just when you need the person , the other one is just not there

whether it is not something important , when u feel weak, sick and vulerable

you just needed him

when you are on your way home alone on a late night , u just need him

maybe alot of things take priority

no longer can I find tears there anymore

nonchalant
reis

the cloudy days no more

The days of cloudiness dissipates slowly
as the glaring rays of the sun shone down onto earth.
Suddenly, every other living creatures on earth
that were frozen for years, left in the cold and darkness
came back to life.

it's as if spring has arrived.
the warmth eluded from the sun seeped right into the hearts of every living creatures.
The days where coldness reigned were over.

Joys and cheers spread through out the earth.
Never had the earth become such a wonderful place to live in.
because, someone has been trying hard
ploughing through the days, trying to figure out a way to chase away the coldness, the storms.

it has been years and hopes which were thought to have diminished
came back.
the days of darkness, the days of coldness no more.
All living creatures rejoiced to this very day
and pray it'll continue to stay this way.

Now, i am alive.
Breathing in the air of pure oxygen,my heart starts to beat.
for i thought where earth was dominated by fears and memories,
I got up, clinging on to the hope that a bright new day will come.
It did. it's slowly evolving ..
and i hope, it'll be better than before.

and i wish that happiness will start to reign again,
kissing goodbye to hurt, fears, lies and betrayals.

craps

the first time you noticed her, she was an unpolished gem.
Seeing the beauty in her, you decided,
Yes, this is the lady I'd like to show to the world.
A lady whose shine is masked by the thick layer of dust.

Then, you do what you can to shape and hone her into a gem you'd imagine it to be.
You decide what you can do to make her an extraordinary one above all.
You gave her plenty of opportunities to open up her world.
And took her out to show her off, telling people that you've introduced
that she's an amazing lady above all.

Because, that was what you believed she could be.
A lady unduanted by heavier responsibilities, whose diligence captured your heart.

You feel she's set for bigger things in life.
You taught her how to deal and socialise with the influential people.
You taught her how she should carry herself off from the way she dressed.
To you, she was a sophisticated gem waiting to be discovered.

You tried surprising her with gifts, lavishing it on her when you feel like it.
Rewarding and complimenting her from time to time.
Soon, she became your confidante, the reason why you laugh
The ease that you've felt with her
In the lonely hours of yours.

You thought you could make her happy
from what you've done.
For, she was the little girl waiting to be discovered
by the world.

Then, one day
It all changed.
You no longer want to own her.
You no longer want to be the one to polish this gem.
You no longer want her to lend you her ears.
You no longer dote on her as much as before.
You abandoned her with
your coldness.
You avoided her eyes as though you were hiding something from her.
You no longer want to see her smiles.

And she's abandoned again.
Just like that.